Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This month is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Women are encouraged to check themselves monthly for any lumps or abnormalities they may find. Right now they recommend that women over 40 get mammograms, but if you find a lump or anything unusual you should get it checked out.
I guess it was 2 years ago around November/December I found a lump on my right breast. I had to have it checked it out, so I went to see a female doctor I worked with at CareNow and she gave me an RX to go have it checked out. I had to have an ultrasound and I guess it was a "partial" mammogram because its as only a few views. Then after that I had to come back and have a biopsy. They decided that it was best to just do a ton of biopsy samples to try and remove the lump in its entirety. My mom came with me for my appointment, and once we were back in the room, the ultrasound tech had to be present, the doctor, the nurse, and they even had a representative from the hospital to make sure they were following HIPAA . Including my mom there were 5 people looking at my boob. Let me tell you, it was a fun experience. Overall, they took out about 20 biopsy samples trying to remove the lump. After wards I was given an icepack and I went home to sleep since I had to work that night.
I got my discharge instructions, but they seemed pretty simple to follow. One of them was no Heavy Lifting, or exercise. I remember thinking, "that's easy, I don't exercise anyway." That night at work I was in a good amount of pain. It was a new experience to have pain in that area. But half way through the night I had a patient that was not able to move themselves that I had to scoot up in bed with the help of the tech. The child only weighed about 40 pounds, but it was right after that, that I felt a sharp searing pain in my breast. By the time I got home there was already purple bruising starting to show up. I called the nurse at the clinic, and I went back in to have yet another doctor look at it, and he told me I probably created a hematoma so they gave me a giant 6 inch ace wrap that I had to wrap myself in. While I was there the nurse told me that no heavy lifting meant nothing bigger than a remote control. NOW THEY TELL ME! Over the course of the next day or so, my entire breast proceeded to turn eggplant purple. It was the most painful ugly thing. It took a good month for the thing to heal, it was not fun!

Preparing for a Mammogram

Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!