My Job

I wrote this blog a year ago this month, but its good for me to go back and reflect on my thoughts, there really is a reason for why I do what I do.

I am often asked by people, when I tell them what line of work I am in, "how do you handle being around all those sick kids," "Doesn't it just break your heart so see them all so sick?" And while I have had some very sad cases, and definitely some kids that we all just agree that its almost wrong to keep them here on this earth, that they would be much happier if they could just go and be with God, for the most part I know this is my job. I see the worst of worst, because well, we have specialties, and so we get kids that fly in from other states to see our specialist in hopes of making them well. So it's often easy to see the worst and almost make yourself frightened to have kids of your own, for fear they might end up like some of the children I have worked with. But there are of course always the positive sides to my work. There are the kids that touch your heart and forever leave an impression on you. The kids that in spite all their hardships, they are just still living life as happy little kids. I guess that is really the reason I do what I do.
But lately over the past week or so, a lot of the negative parts of my job have been weighing heavily on my mind. Without going into too many details because, I truly can't share patient information, we have had some really heart wrenching cases come in. One of them that really broke my heart was a child that was in because she had to have surgery after her own father had raped her. Now I know there are some sick and twisted people of this world. That is part of the reason why I have never cared to watch the news, I just don't like hearing about it. But there is not a lot you can do when it sort of slaps you in the face like that. I just think of the emotional damage this child will have at such a young age. She is old enough to know what happened to her, and her poor 4 year old sister that had to walk in on the whole ordeal. Both these children will be scarred for life. I don't think there is enough therapy in the world that can reverse the damage that this will cause. It just breaks my heart, because there is nothing more I want than to somehow be able to shield these children, to take them and hide them away from these parents or these situations and let them know that the world is not ALL bad.
And then there are the situations where as a parent, you may have made an unwise choice, or just its something in life that happens and you have to live with the outcome haunting you your whole life, being left with the "what if" statements. We had that child come into our PICU, the 18 month old, that got himself strangled in the soccer net in his parents backyard, when his mother had fallen asleep. This poor child didn't make it, and while most of us realize that accidents happen, the amount of blame that this mother will give herself, will haunt her the rest of her life. There are just so many instances we see in my hospital of children who are permanently maimed because of stupid mistakes. Kids that the parents knew something was wrong during labor, but the doctors kept assuring the parents that everything would be fine, until it wasn't, and now the children suffer with permanent disabilities because of it. One of the mothers of such a child was talking to me the other night, something this mother LOVED to do, but she was saying what a beautiful child she had, but how it saddened her to know that she COULD HAVE been normal. She could have been a perfectly healthy and happy little girl, had mistakes just not happened during the delivery. If the doctor had just taken the time to stop and realize there really was a problem it wasn't just a paranoid mother. I guess its situations like that, that really make me take a step back and realize that what I do is in no way easy. It takes a toll on you whether you admit it or not. It's very taxing on someone physically AND emotionally.
Thank goodness for the 17 year old paraplegics, that in spite of having a horrible football accident, and a life altering event, can still smile every day and make the absolute best of the situation that he is in. Its kids like that, that remind me of why I do my job. Reminds me of why I love to be a pediatric nurse. Some of the stories behind my little pediatric miracles are absolutely heartbreaking while others are absolutely miraculous! I have seen kids who were at death's door recover fully, without incident, and I have seen other kids do well, but then they become sick, and it takes all of our medical know-how to try to save their lives before it is too late. Sometimes we DO lose a child, and of course, we cry and grieve, but then we go on and try to learn from that experience and apply it to someone else, in the hopes of preventing another death or life-altering injury.
I only hope that the children are as blessed as I have been in knowing them! They have enriched my life to the fullest, and I am glad that I was there to make a difference in a scary time in their lives when it mattered the most!