2009: Even better housekeeping

Last year -- that would be 2008 -- was my big "clean-up" year. Everyone probably has at least one of those. I ended my relationship; in retrospect, it was doomed, but I would only learn why much later. See, I turn into one big optimistic goof when it comes to love, at least that is what I found out last year. I am the kind of person who doesn't reads the "warning" labels on medication bottles. Same thing when it came to people. I plunge right in and hope the water's fine.

This particular relationship was unlike any other I had had in the past. I guess you could say I'd made a resolution. I made a conscious decision to do it right, and to do so consciously. For the first time, I didn't promise; I delivered. I rooted myself deeper whenever I felt like walking away. I didn't let disappointment color my perspective. I never asked myself, "What if there's someone better?" I looked to the good stuff in front of me (and yes, there was good) and said, "Okay, this is it. You're the one."

You have to be good with yourself to say, "I'll be there for you through all of it, and I won't let go." That's scary stuff. People blab this when they're wind-surfing the "in lust" phase. But those who actually mean it prove it by simply not quitting. I said and meant all of it. I can't say it took a lot of courage or effort. It didn't. It was a matter of tendering "love" as an action verb, not just a feeling.

And yet, it failed miserably and ridiculously -- because there are always the exceptions that are beyond control. Love is strong, but it's no miracle worker. I leapt before I looked. I chose the wrong person to bestow these very important gifts. It would be a simple fix for me to tell you, "Oh, he was awful, a terrible, terrible person," but that statement is easily rendered irrelevant; we all have a choice in which situations we place ourselves. Playing victim is a child's game. I am accountable for my choices. All of them.

There were other lessons.

History matters. Examine a person's life. Note recurring themes. By the time someone reaches a certain stage, they're locked and loaded. If all their relationships played out the same way with little variance, you can cross your fingers and wish on every star, but you're not going to be the exception.

Love outside the box. Take a chance on someone you normally would never consider. Eliminating rigid standards you've established for your "perfect person" is a great way to measure your ability to love unconditionally.

Is communication always possible? You'd think so. Consider astronomy. The stars whisper to us from light years away; they tell us all about their size, their properties, about their little star friends hanging out nearby. If the stars can speak and we can understand them, the sky's the limit, right? But then there's the dysfunctional array. No matter how many ways you rearrange the words or appeal to a sense of empathy or fairness, the message isn't received. At that point u gotta know when to stop talking.

Here's the important one. It's easy to fall in lust; in lust can blind you. But the person who's a one-of-a-kind won't just jump into your arms. Think about how foolish a person is to claim unconditional love almost instantly. They don't know you. Sure, you know that you're great, but they have only your word on that. Why should they take your word when they don't know you? The worthy one walks around you several times, scopes you out, figures out if you're worthy, too. Remember the Little Prince's fox? You tame the good. That's how people make themselves special -- by holding out just for you.

Looking back on 2008, what used to look like a monument to Love often seems like a house on moving day, littered with fast-food containers, empty soda cans, and uneaten food festering with mold. I know I did good work, because it was genuine. It was for the right reasons. But too much got tossed into the donation pile. The primary reason I started blogging a few years ago was to find out who Rachel was, aside and apart of anyone else. What's rattling around in my head? What do I want to do? Who am I -- what do I have to say about this? At the beginning of 2008, I didn't know the answer to any of these questions and I may not have ALL the answers now but I'm moving in the right direction. Many of my friends have helped me move out of the debris and move forward. It wasn't an easy time for me, but some how I think I have come out an even better person. I now realize that I really am capable of love. But not just love but I can love harder and deeper than I thought possible. So now all I can do is look towards the future.